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February 20th, 2007
10:30 am - Russian Romantics
Hey, so, I set up another journal for my travels. I would've just used this one but I had no time to go back and make all my old entries private, and I wasn't sure who'd be reading my travel journal so it's ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mapdots. Hopefully I'll have stories every couple of weeks. And there's a link to photo's from there. There's no photo's up yet, but eventually. Anyways... yeah... go check that out.
And, I'm in Calgary, not too exciting, but it's something. I'm listening to Classical Russian Opera at this nice lady's house. Olivia is packing up her things. This afternoon we'll get on the bus for 50 hours, eat some pot brownies, make some friends, and hopefully be able to sleep tonight. We're going right to Montreal, Emma and Jesara take note! Emma, sorry we wont be in Guelph for a while. I wanted to come this week but looks like not. Anyways, we'll be around. I should probably go. All of a sudden I feel like Madame Clavelle, "something is not right!" Better go figure it out.
Keep in touch,
Molly.
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February 11th, 2007
01:00 pm
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February 6th, 2007
05:48 pm
Hopefully I'll be setting up a new journal for my travels soon. If I get a camera, then for sure. I think I'm just gonna go suck it up and buy a digital camera. I'll want it, I know I will. Even now I want to show you everything. I want to show you the handsome electrician. I want to show you acoustimat. I want to show you the drywallers throwing mud at me. I want to show you Dave the labourers underwear model pose. I want to show you my scraped up knuckles and shirt sleeves full of snot. Everything. I just wish you were here.
anyways. I'll send out the link for my travel journal soon. Does anybody know which website would be the best? I really like this one but if there's one that's better for pictures? Also, what website do you use for putting pictures on the internet?
That's all for today.
Tomorow - the electrician.
haha. no, really.
Current Music: Hayden - Bad as They Seem
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January 18th, 2007
10:16 pm - Melvin Fidel, the Rat Queen of Quarteracre Ranch.
Melvin died today. I got home from work and she was on top of her box. Head hanging over the edge, looking feeble and drained. She hasn't been eating much if at all and her skin was hanging off her bones like all those descriptions of dieing people that I've read of but never really seen. Then she collapsed. I didn't see it, I just heard the thud as she hit the floor. She flopped a little but couldn't get up. I ran to her, picked her up gently and held her to my chest. She was so scared. Kate looked into her eyes and said that she was afraid to die alone. So I made her a nest, and we curled up in front of the wood stove for half an hour or so. I stroked her back. Kate looked things up on the computer, rat illness and whatnot. But we could tell it was just her time. I've ever seen a pet die before. I've seen dead pets, but that's just their bodies. When Melvin's soul left her it shook her whole little skeleton and she flopped a few times, right off the ground just like a fish when it's brought into the boat. I didn't think there was that sort of muscle strength in her. Before that moment she couldn't even lift her head. I wondered where it came from. She was still, coughed a few times. And then was gone.
I had just sent Carlie an email a few minutes before, asking how old Melvin was and if she had anything wrong before. I sent her another. it was short. "she's dead." I wish it had been something like, "come home carlie, I love you." but it wasn't.
My mom said she was sorry Melvin died. And addmitted that she had really loved having a rat roaming around our house. She was even telling Melvin stories at a meeting-party the other day. It's a special rat who can steal food from the dogs, fall asleep in your laundry, watch you from under the couch, and convince an entire farming family that rat's are the cutest, most lovable, smartest creatures there are.
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January 8th, 2007
06:26 pm - PRT, nightshift, lovelife
Sooooooo.... After having not written for such an extremely long time, I do not know why this entry is particularly worthy of posting. But, fucking, whatever. So, I work at a reforestation seedling proccessing factory. Very assembly line-style, repeditive action, make your own fun kind of work. And so, in order to have a good time while we're there. And because we are all a bunch of nut-jobs, there has been much antics and bonding taking place between all of us on the nightshift crew these past few months. And some interesting relationships forged. Jerry and Earle are both 30 something, balding, beergutted, pot smoking deadheads the likes of whom you might see on Trailer park boys or some such Canadian situational comedy. They are my honourary uncles and I love them both to death. Leia is a tall, blonde, cute, playful 12th grade student who reminds me alot of me... If I were tall, blonde, cute, and still in 12th grade (which I kind of still am.) Earle has the hugest crush on Leia. He has since the beginning. And Leia has always known this. I think she likes him too, but in a different way than he does. Jerry wants to have sex with me. And I tease him with this relentlessly. Yes, I know, I am a horrible person. But here's the twist, I want to have sex with Leia. I've been implying things all week and she is more and more affectionate with me. But I still don't know. Girls are always so much more subtle than guys. The four of us are going out tonight. I showered and washed myself with lots of nice smelling soap. I put on clean clothes and mascara and thought of Leia the whole time. It began to feel like I was getting ready for a date. And I sorta wished I was. I got butterflies when I picked up the phone to call her and dialed her number wrong twice. I'm going to pick her up at 9:00. Then we're going to go to the bar and meet the guys. Then Leia's going to sleep over at Earles. damn damn damn. But you know, even if Leia doesn't have feelings for me, I bet she'd makeout with me just to make Earle crazy. Am I a horrible person also for thinking that? fucking, whatever. I love this. I can't wait.
Current Music: Mates of State. yeah I know I'm a dork.
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November 25th, 2006
08:32 pm
I'm falling from a great height. And I feel so alive.
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September 8th, 2006
03:18 pm - To those who know me well
Do you believe in me? Do you think I can achieve my dreams? When you think, I wonder where molly will be in ten years? what automatically comes to mind?
I am just curious about how other people see me, because I've often found it's different than one see's oneself and can provide some insight from a different perspective.
If you could reply to this when you're around a computer, that would please me.
Current Music: Leningrad - Blyadi (whores)
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September 5th, 2006
06:51 pm - where is your mind?
I had a nightmare for the first time in a long time. not like the standard "chased by the unknown" nightmares or "falling from a great height" nightmares, but a full on "crying when i woke up" nightmare. And the worst part; it was so real. And I don't mean that it just felt real. It was real scenarios that could easily happen and it was straightforward, clearly giving me a message. I was out, partying I guess, in a scumbala-esque scenario. In fact, I think we were even at Shelly and Cliff's place. It was dark, I remember vaguely, and I had the feeling of being drunk. It was a really nice time for a while but throughout the dream things kept getting worse. It started okay though, I was with Cliff, we were fucking on a bridge and our bodies were like play-dough moving into eachother. I knew it was him in my heart but his face wouldn't stay the same. just his face, it kept shifting, he was different people I knew and people I didn't think I knew, he was cartoon and a sketch, he was invisible, and a monster, an old man, a baby. And it was shifting so fast I was getting dizzy. (think, Bill Plymton's (plymptoons)"Your Face" animation) It frightened me because I didn't know who he REALLY was. Then Shelly came but she looked like my sister. She held me close to her and I remember crying. But things were okay. Then it got darker and I couldn't see at all. I was trying to fing my pants in these bushes and the ground was all mud. This man was holding me really tight and I was struggling against him and getting really panicky, he wouldn't let me go and I was powerless. Then I guess I blacked out. Or maybe I just can't remember it all. In the dream I woke up at Carlie's house where i had slept. Her dad was there, he had come home that night and found me freaking out in their house. I didn't remember this. But the look he gave me made me crumble inside. It was like he thought I was dangerously insane and like he was dissappointed in me and like he knew I would never amount to anything. (this is the scariest look I have ever seen) Then I looked at Carlie and she was looking at me like this too. I was all freaked out because I didn't remember what had happened and I thought maybe I WAS going insane. I kept having thoughts but they wouldn't connect, I couldn't make sense of anything. Carlie's dad called my mom who came and picked me up. She treated me like something about to break. I only had vague senses of anything and I realized I had lost my mind. This feeling I cannot describe. But when I woke up I started to cry and nearly crawled into my parents bed to feel something real next to me. I turned all the lights on and shook my head around. (This actually works to shake up the sadness.) Then I made Kate sleep in my bed. She actually appreciated this because in her sleep she had squashed a stink bug in her bed.
Today I feel better but I'm really shaken up by this dream. If dreams are meant to tell the dreamer something... this one was honest and I have a feeling I know now what my subconscious was saying. If you like interpreting dreams though, any input would be interesting.
That's all tonight. woo, I have the heeby-jeebys now writing about this. It really fucking freaked me out. It's even scarier than that dream where I rode a camel in the sewer and it turned into a gorilla with fangs.
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August 13th, 2006
06:21 pm - the maturity of debauchery
My Plan for the week of August the 14th.
1. Apply for lifeguarding at the pool.
2. Enroll in Math at the learning centre.
3. Call driving teacher for more lessons.
4. Complete two Russian lessons.
There's a lot more I'm going to do. I'm going to read Children of the Arbat. I'm going to make a new sweater. I'm going to take Olivia out dancing. And I'm gonna take myself out for beers on the beach when the week is through. But those are the things that never need to be planned for because I couldn't stop them from happening even if I wanted to.
But yeah, they're short staffed at the pool so my hopes are rising about this job. It pays $15 an hour and shouldn't be too bad as long as there are no accidents. And I get to play silly games with little kids who are 100 times cooler than I'll ever be.
Scumbala was incredible (debaucherous). I want to live there. Just two days out there and my soul is bigger. my soul's been growing a lot lately though. It feels healthy. I feel alive.
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July 22nd, 2006
01:52 pm - Voldemort can't stop the rock!
so, here we are. Underwear dancing to Harry and the Potters again. would it be a paradox to say that this keeps me sane? But really, there's nothing we like more than watching wizards rock out like this: Voldemort can't stop, the ROCK! whew!
Anyways, how are you all doing? Amber, Amy, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping in touch but I think about you guys all the time. And I bet you're rocking out wherever you are now. And I hope you're keeping it rockin' in Israel Daniel. Show Lebanon who's boss. just kidding. sorta. No need to ask if Kate's rockin' out. I bet you look tough with your swollen lip. I'll probably get down to see you soon. wait, scratch that. I'll DEFINATELY get down to see you soon. Olivia! do you have a calling card or something? I want to talk to you! I bet it's hotter here than it is in mexico right now, shit. Me and Kate found some old school clothlike air mattresses in the dump pile from the garage sale leftovers and blew them up and took them to the beach this morning, it was so rad. But it's like, 40 degrees or something. hence the whole underwear thing at 2 in the afternoon. Speaking of Harry and the Potters... Thankyou so much for those signatures Jess!!!! Thankyou actually can't express my gratitude, I don't know what could. That's one of the greatest things of a frivoulous nature than anyone has ever done for me, ever! And the shirt is awesome, I'm actually wearing it right now, i'm also putting together your package today too. It cheers me knowing that you exist. All of you. April too, how's the book going? I wish everything good to happen to you. Does anyone else read my journal that I could address now as well? Gabriel! Give li'l Zaz a hug for me when you see her, tell her we painted a mural of her on our wall right beside the T.V. so we can always remember her. haha, no, but we should. And on the offchance that Noah saunters into an internet cafe somewhere in san francisco to get an iced mocha on a hot day and wonders, how's molly doing? Then, HELLO NOAH! show those san fransiscans who's boss! Oh, and, Jesara's grandma... PENIS-BUTT!!!
(can you tell I miss you all and need someone to play with?)
Yeah, just thought I'd do that, let you all know I'm thinking of you without being exclusive and emaily about it. (?) That's all. mmmmm Fiddle.
Current Music: Harry and the Potters and then Flogging Molly.
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June 13th, 2006
04:44 pm - Premium!
I worked today, down in the dank pits of the future underground parkade of the silver bay mondo condo's. I did not feel nearly so bad about working for the development of this monstrosity as I thought I would. It's gonna go ahead now whether I help out or not so I went for it. And I made a hundred dollars. Really, I was paid 12 dollars an hour to play in a giant sandbox. Except by play I mean shovel, haul, and spread wet fill for eight hours and by sandbox I mean underground concrete box with machines working in there with toxic fumes and halogen lights that kept getting shut off leaving us in the pitch dark to haul loads of fill into the abyss of blackness. I feel like I've earned the right to say Fuck. And I fucking love it. I sang while I worked, and thought how much better off I am than a miner. Or a great many things. And I thought about how people pay to go to the gym to get a workout not half so good as this. And I got paid! 100 dollars a day, and by the looks of it there's at least a week of work, maybe two. And I'm not going to calculate how much money that will be because that's not the important part. What is important is that I DID SOMETHING today. And damn that feels good. On top of that, I just finished two russian lessons and I only have two more to do until I am one third of the way through my first year university level Russian course. This excites me. I'm learning past tenses and prepositional declension. Fucking, I never even got that far in four years of french classes. Simply, I am a ruling person today.
Current Music: Fanfare Ciocarlia
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June 11th, 2006
06:39 pm - new wave
I wrapped my fingers around the bass again this afternoon. what a beautiful creature. I am getting ready to jam hardcore soon. I've been wanting to for a while but there was no opportunity really. But upon hearing the other day about the Vulgar Uglies predicament (in which the new guitarist and drummer are wanting to play metal instead of phychobilly(?)) I became quite excited. Two poeple who I hold in quite high esteem, two people who want to play metal music, two people who quite possibly could use a hardcore bassist for some jamming?!! I hope you can see how this excites me. One problem may be that I haven't played the bass in some time, but when I picked it up today it felt so good. And my fingers are stronger than they used to be from all the milking I've done at the farm (really, it helps.) And... I hope it works out. Because I want this so bad. I am going to download some cromags tabs and practice now. I might even jump the gun on this one and call DJ and Trevor tonight. That's how stoked I am.
Current Music: Cromags
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June 9th, 2006
10:19 pm - better days
Emma's dress is finished. Jesara's hair looked beautiful at the graduation ceremonies and made everything seem more worth it. Melvin is asleep in my hood, his little heart beating so fast. Steve left the farm and is roaming up to the Yukon, vicariously I feel the great and oppressive weight lifted off his shoulders. Funny how a sunny day makes things feel alltogether more possible and more alive.
Current Music: Ленинград - Aлкоголик
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June 6th, 2006
01:36 pm - World Peace can be Done
so. I finished the sleeves and over-skirt hems on emma's dress. And I put another row of lace on mine. They are both adorable. And I threw the ball for finegan a bunch of times while eating my breakfast of coffee and beef jerkey. yup. that's pretty much been my whole morning. Oh except for when the flooring guy came and wouldn't lay the marmoleum because we put down particle board instead of plywood. I shrug here. But it's been a good morning. I've had Black Flag, Ten String Panelbox, Cro-Mags, Blood Brothers, and Refused on the 5 CD Changer all morning, this pleases me and I'm only hoping Elsa doesn't mind it. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm thinking of maybe going for a wander or something. Or maybe I'll just read on the porch. probably the latter. Or dig my squash beds. They're getting way too big for the wondowsill now. Um... don't know why I'm even posting this, it's not philosophic or important even. I guess I just wanted to share this morning with some one. I called Jordan but he stayed in Vancouver an extra day and is not home yet. And I can't talk to elsa unless she wants to hear about ma mechante poulet tante. Call me. ...yay cro-mags.
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June 4th, 2006
04:55 pm
sevodnya ya idu doma. ya doma tyeper. eto horosho. moi dyadya Gary ne zdiece. ohn "dead" eto... eto... ya ne znayu. moi otets idit na "edmonton" za "the funeral" Vrach ne horoshui. ya ne horoshaya. no eto "okay". Ie dyevushka idit zdiece sevodhya "from" Franstusky. ohna imya elsa, ya nadezhda ohna "has fun with us." Ya slushayu ha "the Dresden Dolls" nemnojko. ya lyublyu ohni. .... Miya mat ie sestrie idut dom "soon." ...Ya "need" Ohni.
Eto "the end."
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May 13th, 2006
05:55 pm - ya tolko devotchka
I'm back from the farm for a short while. As short as I can make it. A week. Barely more. I feel the same way I did last week when I came home for the weekend. It's this weird almost angry feeling, like I'm a small animal that's been picked up and moved to another spot without any consideration in regards to it's feelings. Allthough I came back of my own accord. To finish my course and to help Mary out. But still. I don't want to be here. I guess I'm going to have to get used to that. Ya ne loubloo tibiat kogda ti govorite gromko. Ya ne loubloo tibiat kogda ti poyesh tiho. Ya ne loubloo tibiat ili vsyeh ili vsyoh. ya tolko alkogolika. ya tolko devotchka.
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April 1st, 2006
09:39 pm - This little girl...
I kicked my friend in the face. It wasn't unwarrented, but I still feel like an asshole. Because I'm not sorry. It was a mistake I guess, he didn't know me well enough to know that he could not say the things he was saying to me without a kick to the face. And I didn't know him well enough to have enough general respect for him to put up with his shit. I know that violence is not a politically correct form of conflict resolution, but deep inside my very human soul, it's what makes the most sense sometimes.
"they'll just politely sue you, but mad? they never get mad." - Gogol Bordello
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March 30th, 2006
10:55 pm
yeah so I've been doing indian ink drawings while sitting on the couch all day. And I knew that sooner or later the ink was going to be all over the place. I couldn't predict when, but I knew it would happen. It did. But thank god it didn't spill on my drawing. I mean, a fouton cover is one thing, but my days work? Is that selfish? My mom says I should illustrate books. But I think if I did that It would ruin it. When I'm into sewing lots she says I should be a designer. When I draw all day she says I should make books. I wish I could go out drinking on the beach and come home to have her say, "Molly, you really should do that for a living." Anyways, everything's getting better. I felt like shit this afternooon though, it was weird. I was just hit with this huge weight of spontaneous hopeless depression but then it lifted after a couple hours. I'm glad it went away, but it left this lingering doubt in the back of my head "Molly, what the hell are you doing here?" My English course which was at first exciting has become dull and I know for a fact that I'm reading the same short stories that I read last year. So I read some Gogol instead but it didn't help me finish the assignment. (on another note, my russian keeps getting more and more exciting. I said "good morning and how are you my sister" in russian to my sisters this morning when they woke up.) I got my period right on the new moon. That always makes me feel good. And I had a lot of showers. At first to curl up on the floor and let the hot water heal me. And later to masturbate without getting blood all over my bed. Whoopa. I finally called Carlie. I miss her, and everyone. I miss punk shows and dancing with Cliff. There was a show this week at the youth centre, an emo band, I didn't go. I didn't try to go see Wintersleep either, I watched Everything is Illuminated instead. Which I can confidently say was better than sitting outside the bar on a cold dumpster waiting for the moment to sneak in. The movie, it was brilliant. Indirectly, it made my mom proud of me. See, she's proud of me when her friends admire me. So, I said that Everything is Illuminated was Brilliant. And Later at my mom's book club, they were talking about that book and my mom happened to say that I'd said it was brilliant, and one of her friends was impressed... that I'd used the word brilliant... that I am enthusiastic about what I read... or something, and that she'd love to meet me. And when my mom came home she seemed... warmer. And we watched the movie again together. And she laughed so hard. My sister's been accepted to UVic. Part of me feels very weird to not be graduating. Especially these past few weeks when all that education I was doing has fallen to the wayside of bike rides and spraypaint. I didn't even manage to get my shit together to go to Capoeira this week. (honestly though, after all that hauling gravel up that goddamn hill I probably would've been too weak to block a martello and would've gotten kicked in the face.) So... I guess that's an update or sorts. Sorry for not being poetic or prophetic or anthything. I kinda just needed some one to talk to. But midnight comes at 11:20 in this house so I'm being kicked off the computer. Keep dancing.
Current Music: Regina Spektor - Better
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March 26th, 2006
07:58 pm - Alan Rickman. Wait for Me.
I held the tea pot close to my belly. It was warm. The sun shone with the slightly aged photograph white-yellow light of family barbeques and sandlot pick-up baseball games. Like how memories of things you loved always come out looking, but like things hardly every really are. I was coming down the street beside the curb where sand from the roads in winter gathers and turns to dust. Our Daily Bread, The soup kitchen, on my left. A friend of mine who I nearly didn't recognize was sitting on a rock in the grass. He waved, "Molly!" And motioned for me to join him. It was Alan Rickman. "Brought your crappy tea again?" I shook my head and pouted even though I knew it was. We drank some anyways, his eyes apologized for insulting my tea which wasn't all that bad, especially not on such a beautiful day. The soup matron lady, Nan, came outside to bring us more bread and Alan jokingly flirted with her like he always does. I laughed with them but secretly felt jealous. Nan playfully slapped him away, with her usual grin, surprizingly cheeky for an old woman. She and her husband have been running Our Daily Bread for sixteen years. She's used to Alan, I still don't know if I am.
I woke up with the sure feeling that this wasn't a dream. It was more like a memory. Yes. In another life I used to hang out with Alan Rickman at the Soup Kitchen. And we were lovers. And I was reincarnated in this life to return to him. Okay, that's it. I'm taking this as I sign. I am going to start stalking Alan Rickman.
Current Music: let's all pray for rain... waves of grain... - Two Gallants
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March 18th, 2006
09:14 pm - daisies of rage
You make me want to use big words; juxtapose allusions to revolutionaries in my schoolwork and livejournal to impress you. I wish you existed. We would be friends.
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